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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29479308">these blurry edges</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/xies/pseuds/lovecity'>lovecity (xies)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Friends With Benefits, Implied Sexual Content, Kissing, Light Angst, M/M, They get it together at the end I promise, This should be called waxing poetic shit about Jaemin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 22:35:16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,550</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29479308</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/xies/pseuds/lovecity</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Renjun remembers the last time they were here, in the backseat of his car, making out after Yukhei’s party. Renjun had been foolish enough to think nothing would happen between them again.</p><p>He remembers Jaemin, legs around his waist, warm hands roaming around his body. Renjun sitting down—and Jaemin on top of him, kissing him, biting him. Jaemin had been everywhere, pushing and pushing, and Renjun had let himself believe that he could have this <em>just one last time</em>.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>149</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Love Dream 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>these blurry edges</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/transming/gifts">transming</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hi dylan!!!</p><p>this prompt caught my eye, i thought it was really beautiful. this is uh certainly far more dramatic than i intended it to be (specially since it's p short and a fwb au at that), but i hope you enjoy :D </p><p>love, anon</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>'You’re in a car with a beautiful boy,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>and you’re trying not to tell him that you love him'</em>
</p><p>Richard Siken</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>As Renjun climbs into Jaemin’s car, he wishes he’d been prudent enough to check the weather forecast in the morning. Summer rain is as unpredictable as Renjun’s college professors, and that’s saying a lot.</p><p>When Jaemin offered to drive him back from Donghyuck’s place, he didn’t think much about it. Jaemin has always been kind enough to offer him a ride whenever he needs one, as they live close by, and this wouldn’t be the first or last time they've been together in Jaemin’s car, <em>except</em>—</p><p>He remembers the last time they were here, in the backseat of his car, making out after Yukhei’s party. Renjun had been foolish enough to think nothing would happen between them again.</p><p>He remembers Jaemin, legs around his waist, warm hands roaming around his body. Renjun sitting down—and Jaemin on top of him, kissing him, biting him, licking him. Jaemin had been everywhere, pushing and pushing, and Renjun had let himself believe that he could have this <em>just one last time</em>.</p><p>And when Jaemin had asked him if he wanted to go back to his place, Renjun had said <em>yes</em>, breath ragged and cheeks red, eyes wide and glimmering.</p><p>Renjun said yes, resigned, but hopeful, always stupid enough to be hopeful.</p><p>It’s been a week since that day, and they’ve talked everyday, just not about this. They never talk about this, whatever <em>this </em>thing between them is.</p><p>Renjun looks at Jaemin by his side, who starts the car and turns on the radio before checking his phone. Jaemin holds his phone with one hand, and with his other he brushes his hair backwards, brushing his damp bangs away from his forehead.</p><p>In normal circumstances— if it was Renjun doing it himself, for example— it would look funny, hair all wet and sticking everywhere, but not Jaemin. Jaemin looks pretty doing so, but maybe that’s because he’s the prettiest boy in Renjun’s eyes.</p><p>No, it’s not only because Jaemin is pretty. Jaemin is handsome, with his cute eyes and bright smile. He’s handsome enough to get asked out by strangers on the street, in the club, everywhere, really, but it’s not only that.</p><p>It’s also because Jaemin is beautiful.</p><p>He’s nice, and he’s kind, and he always pushes him to be better. He’s everything Renjun has ever wanted, and everything he will never have.</p><p>“Hey,” Jaemin says, startling him. “Is everything okay?”</p><p>Renjun looks at him, wide eyes before he sees Jaemin’s concerned look. He smiles.</p><p>“Yeah,” he says, using the sleeve of his shirt to dry his face, still damp from the rain. There’s the sound of a song playing faintly in the background, but it’s too low to catch it, especially with the rain incessantly hitting the car. “Just feeling a bit light headed. It’s too hot today.”</p><p>Jaemin pauses, tilting his head the slightest bit. “Are you sure?” he asks, a hand coming to feel Renjun’s cheeks and forehead. Renjun draws in a hitching breath. “<em>C'mon</em>,” Jaemin nudges, chastising, voice sweet. “I know you. You can tell me what’s wrong.”</p><p>Those words hit him like a cold bucket of water.</p><p>Jaemin is lovely. He’s nice and attentive, he’s observant, and that’s why Renjun is scared of him sometimes, because it feels like Jaemin can see right through him, right through his truths and his lies.</p><p>“Thank you,” he says, swallowing. “But I’m okay.”</p><p>He says it because he needs it to be true. Because Jaemin is close, hovering over his seat, but not <em>close enough</em>. And Renjun looks at him, and is hit with the urge to kiss this beautiful boy beside him, the urge to feel him close again, and most importantly, the urge to tell him how much he loves him.</p><p>Jaemin touches his lips, and Renjun closes his eyes for a second, feeling his fingers on his mouth, and his jaw, and the side of his neck.</p><p>He can’t tell him any of that.</p><p>“Can I kiss you?” Jaemin asks.</p><p>Renjun’s heart stammers on his chest, like it’s been waiting for this moment. Renjun surely has, even when he would never admit it out loud.</p><p>The thing is— <em>he should say no</em>. Renjun should just turn him down, ask him for the distance his heart surely needs.</p><p>Jaemin would understand if Renjun told him the truth. That even if it started off as nothing, as two close friends sleeping together, it’s different now. Renjun never asked any questions because he didn’t know if he’d bear the answers Jaemin could give him, and now? <em>Now </em>it’s too late, and Renjun is heads deep into this, and the worst part is that he can’t blame anyone but himself for it.</p><p>So Renjun should say no, but <em>instead—</em></p><p>“<em>Yes</em>,” he mutters, barely a whisper. “You can kiss me.”</p><p>This is just one more bad decision in a series of bad decisions on Renjun’s life, but it’s probably the smallest one. It’s just another kiss, isn’t it? He can let Jaemin kiss him once again, and nothing will really change.</p><p>Jaemin smiles, coming closer to him and just like that, Renjun stops thinking.</p><p>Jaemin kisses him like it’s their first kiss— quietly, softly, relentlessly. It’s slow at first, tentative and fragile, just like this moment between them, hidden in Jaemin’s car, the sound of the rain hitting loudly against the car’s roof.</p><p>Jaemin deepens the kiss, a hand coming to the back of his head, fingers intertwining with locks of Renjun’s long, damp hair.</p><p>He finds himself caving. He gets lost in it over and over again, no matter how many times he has felt this: Jaemin’s chapped lips on his, his breath ghosting over his skin, and the taste of his mouth, more often than not either like bitter coffee, or sugary candy.</p><p>He likes the way Jaemin puts his hands around him, pushing him in, but doesn't rush this. He likes how he plays with Renjun's lower lip, how he knows exactly how to work him up.</p><p>He likes that when Jaemin pulls back, and Renjun opens his eyes, he knows he's going to be met with a brilliant smile.</p><p>Jaemin is looking back at him, and Renjun smiles faintly. “You know,” Renjun says suddenly. “I don’t like driving.”</p><p>Renjun doesn’t drive. The only person who knows about it is Chenle. He’s afraid of driving, ever since he’d been in a car crash when he was nine. But Jaemin? Jaemin has never asked why, has never complained about driving Renjun around, has never judged him for being twenty one and being the last of his friends to have his driver’s license yet.</p><p>“I figured," Jaemin says with a chuckle, his fingers still lingering on Renjun's nape. “Do you…” he trails off. “Do you want us to wait until the rain is over?”</p><p>“No,” Renjun replies, shaking his head. “I just..."</p><p>Jaemin waits for him to continue, but when he doesn’t, he puts a hand on Renjun’s jaw. He brushes Renjun’s cheek with his thumb, and smiles at him. “Just what, Huang Renjun?”</p><p>As Jaemin says those words, the rain starts to pour louder, big splotches of water hitting the windows and making the outside world blurry. Jaemin strokes his lower lip with his thumb, and Renjun’s breath catches in his throat.</p><p>Jaemin’s question still lingers heavy on the air, and Renjun doesn’t know how to reply, at least not without the words he’s been wanting to say spilling from his mouth like wine spilled over an old couch, messy and irremediable.</p><p>He shouldn’t say it.</p><p>He shouldn’t say it, but right now, it’s only them and the rain. Everything is blurry at the edges, and nothing really matters anymore except for them. Renjun looks at Jaemin, and knows it’s now or never.</p><p>“<em>I</em>—”</p><p>“Renjun?” Jaemin says, moving his thumb upwards. It’s only then that Renjun realizes there are tears running down his face. “Why are you crying, love?”</p><p>Renjun swallows down a sob.</p><p>“I’m sorry, Jaemin-ah,” Renjun says. He wants to look away, and he wants Jaemin to stop looking at him like there’s something wrong with him. “I can’t do this anymore.” He takes a deep breath, and smiles. It’s true, so this time, he says it.</p><p>“I love you, Jaemin.”</p><p>The world seems to stop around them for a second, frozen in time, Renjun’s weak smile, and Jaemin’s widening eyes. Renjun straightens, pulling away from Jaemin, his hand coming to dry the tears off his face.</p><p>At least he isn’t crying anymore.</p><p>“What are you sorry for, Renjun?” Jaemin says then. Renjun turns to meet his eyes again, and wonders what Jaemin sees right now, if he looks like a mess, with red eyes, and tear stained cheeks.</p><p>“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Jaemin continues, and now he looks like he’s on the verge of crying too, his shoulders shaking and his lips red from biting and his eyes glimmering.</p><p>Jaemin chuckles, and Renjun takes a sharp breath, because he knows what’s coming now, and he wonders why he couldn't have seen it coming before.</p><p>Jaemin takes his hand, soft and warm and secure, and smiles at him before saying—</p><p>“Because I love you too.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>thank you for reading &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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